He uses pillows to masturbate.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
