you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
