More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It's just like the Real World with babies
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
