me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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