You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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