Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
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