to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
