Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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