I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
