Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
