I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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