you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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