I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
