Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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