I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
