In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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