I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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