She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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