I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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