my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize