we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
