Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
