I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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