i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
