booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
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