You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
