this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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