1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
