he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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