so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
