they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
