you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
