You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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