so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
