The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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