you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
