really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You've changed since you got that strap on
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
