My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
