I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize