I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Randomize
