yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize