I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
