dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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