Your dad touched me again.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
