great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
