i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize