I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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