i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
