Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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