____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
