Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
