my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
