i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
MIDGETS
????
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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