i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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