Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
