Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize