sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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