You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Randomize
