It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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