Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Randomize
