we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
