I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
