but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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