dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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